it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
