I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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