you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize