I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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