It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
