First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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