Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
