I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
