I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
