What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
