You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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