You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
