it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
