my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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