wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize