so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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