you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
