Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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