I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
