I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize