Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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