I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
