i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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