i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
