we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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