I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
