Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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