Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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