I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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