Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
