Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
