your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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