you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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