All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
