he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
