he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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