I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
