I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
