I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
