So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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