yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
