Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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