If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
