its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
