why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
