I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
