I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So squirting runs in the family.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
