Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
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