If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
