i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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