Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
