meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize