he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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