Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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