I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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