The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
