I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
