Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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