May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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