I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
